Lately I’ve fallen into a trap where I find myself relying on others for support. I’ve created an illusion that this will provide me happiness and peace with my life. Having been through a few men this past year (and even in previous relationships) and cursing myself for it, I tried a different approach.
Last night I was lying in bed crying, asking myself what is it that’s inside of me that constantly drives me to this state? How do I end up becoming so attached to a person and subconsciously depending on them for my happiness? So that when all is done and dusted, I’m left with one less piece of myself. After bursting out into another round of tears (and another, and another) I finally found some strength within myself.
Earlier on that day I was with a friend. One who, in my eyes, is the most pure and honest example of an angel on earth (if example’s can be honest?). Whoever decided that I am worthy enough to call her a friend is an absolute god. I seriously cannot express how amazingly strong she is (let alone intelligent, you should see her grades!). So in my moment of distress, I thought about my friend. How she never is swayed by love, or sex, or relationships, or any sort of attachment what-so-ever. My mind flicked back to a conversation we had earlier on that day, and it hit me. She doesn’t search outside of herself for these things. This kind of fulfilment lies within us. My friend also has faith in god, that he will always be by her side.
When I was younger I used to think that religion was a stupid idea – to put it plainly. I thought that it was for the weak – an imagined explanation as to why we are on earth so that we feel we have security and direction in life, and we are not simply a product of science, evolution, and chance. But now I see differently. It is those who believe in something or someone beyond who are strong. To believe in something without proof that it exists, but only intuition and experience, is strength.
I’m not saying that god does exist (that’s an argument for another time), but those who believe in something beyond themselves are more likely to find peace.
So back to my story, I found strength in my friend. In my bed, I started to talk to god (and no, I’m not crazy). I soon realised that it was not the relationships that were the problem, it was me. And if I were to be truly happy for the rest of my life, regardless of who was supporting and interacting with me externally, I had to be my own best friend.
Another friend pointed this out to me a few months back. He was my mentor and taught me new things every day about personal development. He once told me that he was going to become his own best friend, because that way he wouldn’t need anyone else no matter what happened. At the time I just quietly nodded my head and smiled, not realising the significance of the words he had spoken. It was not until I had experience this myself that I found value in the idea.
So today I have woken up on the right side of the bed and stepped on the sunny side of the street. I have amazed myself at how resilient I have become. And this amazement has created a state of ecstasy inside of me (who needs drugs?). I am convinced that Seasonal Affective Disorder exists, because everyone I have met today seems to share my drug. This positive attitude has already started to create so many more possibilities in my life. A simple example I would like to share is when I went to the Physiotherapist this morning. I started a conversation with the receptionist on the way out, inquiring about business cards for personal training and group exercise on the desk. Our conversation ended up in me possibly having a future job at the clinic. Even if this plan doesn’t actualise, the possibility is still there. I knew there was a reason why I hurt my shoulder!
After announcing to yet another one of my friends yesterday (yes, another friend) that I was going to create a pact with myself that would prevent me from getting hurt again and throwing myself into uncomfortable positions, I updated her on my thoughts:
“I’m not creating a pact because I’ve realised that from everything I go through, I am constantly learning. And from these experiences I can also help others, which is what creates the ultimate happiness for me. What’s the point of life if you do not grow, learn and adjust? I’ve amazed myself at how mature and resilient I’ve become, but I’m also not going to stop acting like a kid at times (e.g dancing in shopping centres as if it were my private studio) because I don’t get that extra joy. Lesson learnt.”
My friend, who is a couple of years younger than me, replied “EXACTLY! You’re a brilliant role model because you don’t do what is socially expected, you do whatever you want because it makes you happy. And that’s what I want to be like. Don’t ever doubt yourself or limit yourself because you’re perfect just the way you are”.
So to repeat my previous post on this topic:
We are constantly looking for external sources in our lives that will provide us with satisfaction. Whether it be money, love, or comfort. We all have the capability to fulfil these needs ourselves. Looking externally will not end in peace because we are constantly searching for something that is not a part of us to complete ourselves. We all have the strength to be at peace with ourselves if we recognise that this peace lies within us.
Don’t ever underestimate your own strength!